Carter/Johnson Leather Library June 2011 - Volume 1 - Issue 6

Points of View:

Hanky Panky with Spanky Spanky, No Pain No Game – by Jaki Grier

Along with the outrageous book fetish that our staff at the Carter/Johnson Library feeds, we have a number of other interesting artifacts we collect. They include (but are not limited to): art, posters, pins, DVDs and (most recently) board games. So it was with great enthusiasm I agreed to review our newest addition and became the staff test dummy for one called Spanky Spanky.

I called two of my friends together and after a few drinks, we got down to it. The game was pretty confusing the first time figuring out the rules. The setting for Spanky Spanky was a strict English boarding school where the punishments come swiftly from the no-nonsense staff of Instructors. I’ve had that fantasy before and I’m sure I’m not alone. How erotic would it be if Spanky Spanky gave me a not-so-secret excuse to roleplay with my friends!

However, that idea left pretty quickly when I saw the intimidating set of Game Rules. The instructions could have been written MUCH clearer. Once the game started, it made sense but the booklet was frustrating to read. After about 15 minutes, we said “Fuck it!” and dove right in.

The basic idea is that you pick from one of eight characters (divided by gender, four boys, and four girls) have hilarious names that are pretty much irrelevant to the game. You could really ham it up and act them out if you wished. The game is basically Trivial Pursuit/Shoots and Ladders with dirty quiz questions and punishments.

There is a Spank Master General who acts pretty much like the banker in Monopoly by handing all the little pieces and asking the questions on the quiz cards. The game has a person called the Beak who is there just to ask the quiz questions to the Spank Master General (SMG).

The SMG position rotates based on cards you receive when you land on certain spaces. The SMG is also the one who gets to give the spankings for incorrect answers. Collect three Bad Marks or as dictated by the cards and the player gets spanked. First round is a hand spanking, second is on the bum and third round is bare ass spankings. The goal is to travel the board three times.

Winner of the game gets to spank everyone bare-assed. Pretty good incentive to continue and lots of potential for craziness. You can also play the game as a team with two or more groups competing which would get pretty fucking hilarious.

Pro: Since the SMG position is always rotating, it’s pretty easy to get competitive and vindictive about spanking. There are also a few cards like “Kiss the other player below the waist” or “Mime a dirty song” which gets hilarious. The game can get as raunchy as you like.

There are also a few random positions like Spank Master’s Pet which lets you skip hard questions if the player makes up a really good excuse. The best one was, “I’m sorry I can’t answer that Ms. Spank Master because I was up all night masturbating to a Golden Girls marathon.” I’m STILL laughing.

Cons: I played with three players and we had repeat questions a LOT. There aren’t enough cards to play it too often. Some of the questions are dated or British references so that may or may not be a concern. The questions were either basic math, spelling sex-related words, obscure sex history/facts or riddles.

I remember being pissed off that my high school teachers were right about memorizing math equations because my previous lack of study literally cost me my ass. My personal hatred of mathematics aside, a game about a kinky English boarding school probably should involve some form of education but it would have been so much sexier if they were more clever about it.

Instead of “X+Y2 = 40, solve for X” how about “If there are three naughty students and one upset Headmistress who must deliver 30 minutes of caning to each bottom, how long will it take?” Even if you don’t know the answer, you’ll probably care more about reading the question. We also agreed that if we played again, we’d make House Rules where instead of all the spankings, we’d just make a punishment hat and you could get a spanking OR pick something out of the hat to keep it interesting.

The dice only has 1, 2, and 3 so it can take a while to complete a game. Our whole game lasted just under an hour mainly because of the dice rolls.

Yet I can’t keep thinking that it wouldn’t take much imagination to create scenarios for misuse and abuse. In your local area, is there a formal Mistress tea being planned? Perhaps a group of ladies could find a way to torture their wayward wards while still sipping their china? The theme of my three-person group of ambitious switches pretty was revenge. Near the end of the game, we were trading spankings (completely against the rules, mind you) because if my ass is still sore, then I’m damn sure going to get you back.

But I think that says more for the imagination of the players than the game itself. All and all, it was tamer than I expected but still a pretty good time. Everyone said they would play it again and even buy it if they could get a copy. Sounds like it would be a success for the company as well. After this, I almost want to make my own game now but with a little dirtier added to it. Not like I need another project.

The general vote for Spanky Spanky was that the game was really fun! We gave it a 7 spanks out of 10. For reference, we gave Apples to Apples a 9 spanks out of 10 and Monopoly only 4 spanks.

And in case anyone wondered… I lost.